Tu Shanshu thread with jirk

[parallels]

[When one of the parents who helped volunteer at the welcome center told her that she looked like she needed a vacation, she nearly laughed in their face. A vacation when you were trapped on a turtle with nowhere to actually get away? Didn't that defeat the point?

But the words and the tone stuck with her and the next day she noticed in the mirror how thin she'd become. Her ribs were visible and her collar bones protruded sharply. She hadn't been this thin since her mother died nearly exactly ten years ago. So maybe that was when it started. First Spock left, then Scott, then there was the swamp and the bombings and so many new scars. So many things festering beneath the surface that ate away at her mind and subsequently everything else.

So she packed up a few books, some clothes, and some tea and headed to the edge of the turtle. It wasn't really remote but it was quieter and there was a little cottage where she could hide away from everything. No one to knock at her door to ask if she was okay out here. Plus she loved the sight of the sea. It reminded her of home, not of London, but of Blackpool and when her mother would take her to the beach and they would build sandcastles for hours, making up stories of princesses and dragons.

But it's March and while everything is starting to turn to spring, she just feels cold from the inside out. So she bundles up in a coat and hat and sits on the beach feeding the birds the bread that she'd forgotten to eat and had long gone stale. Relaxed by the sound of waves crashing up against the sand as the turtle slowly swims through the salty smelling sea, she sits there for hours, just holding her childhood travel book.]

Comments

[jirk]

[Weirdly enough, his mind drifts to his birthday. It was the first time since he was about fourteen that he didn't get black-out drunk, and it's all thanks to the people here. Healing is a funny word, maybe one Clara hasn't had enough of. He kisses her hair.]

Lucky for you I'm unpredictable. Patterns hate me. So what can I do to help?

[parallels]

["Nothing" flickers in the back of her head and telling him some something like "It just takes time". Which of course it does, everyone knows that. It's how you make that time that matters. So instead she pulls out one of her earbuds and hands it to him.]

For now, you're going to listen to music with me. You know, the quiet rock sort with pretentious lyrics. You know Neutral Milk Hotel?

[She's moving close, mostly unconsciously, nearly in his lap]

[jirk]

Never heard of 'em. Probably after the War, huh?

[Not that he's an expert on early music or anything, but most of the bands people reference seem to come after a divergent point in history - Khan's Eugenics War.]

[parallels]

Hmm. Probably. Mid 1990's. Prepare to be enlightened.

[She sniffles and curls against his side as the music plays. As it's one in one ear, it's soft and soothing with the sound of the wind and the waves.]

My mum listened to them. Used to sing me the songs.

[jirk]

[He tilts his head down, so the earbuds don't have quite so far to travel.]

You miss her, huh.

[What else would she be doing out here, listening to this music, hiding away from the world? Clara doesn't quite wear her heart on her sleeve but she feels things deeply, and tries to endure alone. Figures.]

[parallels]

I do. But not all the time. Sometimes I think about it and I can't stop. Some days, it's just a little point in the back of my mind.

[She admits to it and quickly counters herself. Jim is perceptive and always has been. Sometimes it's her favorite thing about him. Other times it's her least. Right now, it's both.

She shifts against, tightening her arms around herself and her knees to her chest, like she's protecting herself.]

It was ten years ago. But it's been hard not to think about lately.

[jirk]

[Ah.]

Anniversary's coming up, isn't it?

[parallels]

It...

Already passed, actually. Last week.

[jirk]

[He's silent for a moment, though he adjusts his jacket a little, and then on second thought just peels it off to drape around her more fully. He doesn't really get cold the way she does, to begin with.]

I'm sorry. I know what it's like. Doesn't get any easier. Sometimes it feels like it isn't supposed to, you know?

[parallels]

I know you do.

[Jim's been through the ringer too. Here and back in his own world. She shifts a little, as if she's trying to reject the coat, before she just pulls it tighter around herself and moves closer to him. Idly, she takes his opposite hand in hers, cradling it in both of her hands as if to try to keep it warm. Or maybe because she wants a connection.]

It feels wrong not to think about it. Like the weight is part of who I am now.

[jirk]

[Her hands are a lot softer than hers. The contrast draws a moment's intent scrutiny, but eventually he just shrugs his off shoulder and drags his thumb across her knuckles.]

That's all we are. Collections of experience distilled into all the same stuff stars are made out of. The future's important, but-- we get who we are from the past.

[parallels]

Massive amounts of luminous plasma?

[She jokes weakly, her eyes still on their hands. His are rough and big enough to cover hers entirely. But mostly warm.]

I always thought I knew where I was going. What I'd do. The path was so clear. And I had to follow it, even if there were other things I wanted. But it's been fading. Especially lately.

[jirk]

Atoms, Tink.

[Jeeze. He flashes a brief smile, and then he slips back into solemnity.]

Being trapped here isn't doing anyone any favours.

[Oops, does he sound a little bitter? Well, suck it, Evandau.]

Most of us aren't really good at the whole 'hurry up and wait' thing. I'm like ninety-nine percent sure I'm going gray.

[parallels]

Yeah. I suppose not. I'm quite good at waiting though.

[Though as long as she's here, she doesn't have to face the man who now calls himself the Doctor and all the things did to her. It's both a blessing and a curse. And she wasn't alone here as long as she had Jim. There's a small sniff and she raises her hand to run a finger through his short hair, cocking her head to inspect it.]

I'm one hundred percent sure you're just being dramatic.

[jirk]

[That gets a laugh.]

Oh, now a guy can't be dramatic? It's the most fun we can have with our clothes on.

[parallels]

Only if you're lacking in creativity.

[When he laughs, she smiles. She already feels a little lighter.]

Because it's cold and I am not taking off my shirt. So that's going to be on you.

[jirk]

I think you just accused me of being banal.

[EXCUSE U, CLARA. HE IS TOTALLY A TOP CREATIVE THINKER OVER HERE.]

[parallels]

[She tries to fight a grin on her face, hiding it behind running a hand over her nose, before reaching over to adjust the collar of his shirt in a teasing, affectionate way.]

I was simply questioning your assertion that being dramatic is the most fun to be had with close on. And subsequently encouraging you to take something off.

[SEE ME TROLLIN']

[jirk]

[He ROLLS HIS EYES (yes, dramatically) at her and gives her a gently playful shove.]

Is this your way of asking for a strip poker night at the bar?

[parallels]

I didn't think you'd be opposed. Right up your alley, really.

[She raises her eyebrows at the eyeroll and shoves him back. It's much less effective.]

[jirk]

[His answering smile is crooked.]

Is it weird that I actually think I genuinely have too many responsibilities these days? People-- kids, even, that do that whole-- [he gestures in frustration] looking up to me thing.

[He misses Ivy, with a pang, and coughs to clear his throat.]

Guess Never-Never land's out of the cards for me.

[parallels]

Never-Never Land's not all it's thought to be.

[Being with the Doctor certainly sometimes seemed that way. Before the ugly truth started to trickle out.

Her shoulders slump slightly. She knows how important it is to have someone to look up to. Especially in a place like this. And nearly everyone that she's connected with seems to have faded away.]

You do alright though. I'd be glad to think kids look up to you. You look after them. After everyone.

[She ducks her head slightly so her forehead is against his arm. He's better at dealing with it but he's lost plenty of people too.]

[jirk]

No. Guess not.

[He draws one leg up, wraps his arm around it and runs a hand through his hair. He knows her comment's meant as reassurance, and it helps-- but how much, and for how long? And hell, didn't he come out here to drag her back from the yawning abyss?]

You do the same, y'know. Best nanny I ever saw.

[parallels]

You've never seen me nanny.

[She snorts softly. It's funny. They know so much about each other and yet so much of their lives are entirely separate. Then she's quiet for a few moments before replying abruptly almost like she's confessing something that's been weighing on her.]

I wasn't cut out for it. Not really. More of a "there when I was needed" than "most qualified." I just wanted to help out the kids so they weren't alone like I was.

[jirk]

What's wrong with that?

[He gives her a sideways look as he speaks, one eyebrow faintly arched. It's almost as if she's expecting some kind of condemnation for admitting that.]

Wanting to help-- sure, it's not everything, but it means a hell of a lot more to those kids than twenty degrees without a shred of compassion.